I had heard about the Cash for Clunkers program, but ...

... apparently the New Haven Register is interested in a very different initiative:

The best part? 18% of the responses were "yes."

How does this work? Do I just need to turn in a chicken? Can it be from the grocery store? And how much money do I get for each chicken I turn in?

A brief break from packing/moving

The constant cycle of "pack boxes, fill car, bring boxes to new apartment, come home, go to work, eat, sleep, start again" is beginning to take a toll. I think the Professor and I will have to get out of the circuit tonight and take a break.

In the meantime, I offer you this very strange video of elderly banging heads to death metal. Enjoy!

Hardcore Grandparents - watch more funny videos

Monday thoughts while trying to avoid swine flu and Sea Monkeys

So, I was boiling my water today to fill my Brita to be able to drink tomorrow while at the same time hoping that the slight cough that I have isn't somehow a strain of "not deadly" swine flu when I began wondering, "What is the most cliched analogy in the English language?"

I took my water off after its one minute boil (per CT MDC rules) and began to wrack my brain. I then stopped, concerned that too much concentration could compromise my internal organs, possibly keeping valuable blood from flowing to regions other than my brain, thus allowing the swine flu an opened door to the destruction of my body. But, before completely shutting down, the first tacky analogy to come to mind was when someone says that something "cuts like a knife" (typically the assailant in this is "love"). That one always bothered me. Stupid Who song.

So, while waiting three hours for my water to cool and after placing a precautionary dust mask over my nose and mouth because of the swine flu, I hopped on the old internet machine and let it do my thinking for me. I found a pretty entertaining website full of bad analogies. It was like finding a shiny toy car under the tree on Christmas morning. See, that was a bad analogy.   

Anyway, if you're interested in reading some bad analogies, click here. Oh, and I'm not going too overboard in my fear of swine flu and Sea Monkeys, am I?

Tax day gaffe on NPR - does it still make a sound?

I was just listening to Talk of the Nation on NPR while taking a break from packing boxes (a fun way to spend a day off) and there was a pretty funny, if juvenile, gaffe made by a caller. The segment was on anti-tax (and anti-stimulus) tea party protests that are happening across the country both yesterday and today. Needless to say, it wasn't the most exciting of topics. That is, until a certain gentleman from Cedar Rapids, Iowa called into the program. Instead of talking to host Neal Conan about a tea party, the caller kept saying that he had just returned from the "Cedar Rapids tea bagging" protest.

Now, the man may have been telling the truth, but something tells me that he's gotten his terms mixed. Either way, it made me laugh like a thirteen-year-old. 

Poor caller. He had his fifteen seconds and will most likely be made fun of it by friends for some time to come.

Something I can show you

While out and about today, I parked behind a car that made me laugh. Some people like to put hats in the back window of their cars. Some put little stuffed animals. But the owner of this vehicle, well, they like bath sponges:

My favorite part of this are the two sponges that hang from the hooks over the rear passenger doors.

Bravo, sponge lover!

Zombie attack sign

This is pretty great. Nazi zombies are the worst kind of zombies, and any signs out there to warn drivers of them are okay in my book.

Attack of the killer turkeys

NBC 30 ran a really funny piece on the news yesterday about a group of angry turkeys that have been terrifying postal workers in Rockport, Massachusetts. Unfortunately, they didn't post the video online. They did, however, run a text version of the story. I'm sure the attacks have been scary for the postal workers, but for the rest of us, it's pure entertainment:

Service has been suspended since January 15 for a group of homes in Rockport, Mass. because a gang of turkeys, lead by two male "ring leaders", have chased, and tried to peck the mailman off his route for the past five months.

"Some of the neighbors said their dogs have been attacked, but mostly it's just been our postal truck," said Rockport Post Office Delivery Manager Tim Russell. "They chase the truck down the street---two males in particular. It's just unbelievable."

You can read more about the war over here at the NBC 30 website.

Fun with SkyMall

SkyMall, for those unaware, is a magazine that you find in every seat-back pocket of every airplane everywhere in the country, nestled between the vomit bag and the safety card (more or less). The pages within contain an eclectic mix of gadgets and doodads, from furniture to electronics. The point of the magazine is to make the flyer shop while suspended five miles off the ground with nothing to keep them interested except for the E! True Hollywood Story of Heidi Klum (I suppose the cabin pressure may make some of the items more appealing).

Anyway, on cross-country flights, I've tried to turn SkyMall into a kind of scavenger hunt activity book. Here, let me give you a few examples:

1. Find the most pathetic animal photo SkyMall contains many, many animal products, from doggy stairs to clandestine cat boxes. And in each ad we get to see a small, furry creature. But what happens when you are asked to find the saddest, most pathetic animal photo in the 148 page catalog? Oh yes, SkyMall scavenger hunt!

Here are my picks for the two most pathetic animal photos from the "early spring 2009" catalog:

 

I think the first photo speaks for itself. The second, though, just really bothers me. The dog looks too perfect, like it knows if it isn't spot on something really horrible is going to happen when it gets home from the photo shoot. 

2. Find the product that most resembles something from Star Trek (but which isn't located on the Star Trek merchandise page) SkyMall actually does contain a full page of Star Trek replica items, but the real hunt is for an actual item that could have appeared on any number of Star Trek related programs. My pick? This head massager, which claims Italian design and Japanese engineering. It also encourages the owner to wear it at the office.

Actually, the front of that kind of has a Robocop-meets-Tron thing going, doesn't it?

3. Construct a fake back-story for a depicted "personalized" family If there's one thing SkyMall offers, it's personalized products. And, more often than not, they choose one or two generic last names to plaster on these item, since we as humans typically cannot fathom what a name on a plaque may look like without visual confirmation. Here's what I'm talking about:

  

The trick is to choose one of these last names and then find every time it appears. Once you find your pictures, you're ready to start telling an elaborate back-story: Dr. Taylor was a complex man. He had a difficult time separating his religion from his job, which lead to many nights drunk in his basement. No amount of head massaging made him feel comfortable in his skin. Medical school didn't teach him how to maneuver through these sort of conflicts. And so on . . .

I suppose that's enough for now. Happy flying, everyone!

Make your Christmas a Slap Chop Christmas!

Several months ago, the Hartford Courant ran some tests on the "miracle" product known to the world as the ShamWow! Unsurprisingly, the cloth was a bit more "sham" than "wow." 

Well, these critiques didn't slow down Vince Offer, the ShamWow! pitchman, from plowing forward. Yes, Vince is back with a new must-have contraption. It is the Slap Chop, and it will change your life.

"Slap your troubles away," he chirps into his county fair-headset as he leans into the camera. "Stop having a boring life!"

Life improvement seem to be high on Offer's list, for he also says that, with the Slap Chop, "you're gonna have an exciting life" and that "life's hard enough as it is. You don't want to cry anymore!"

Wait, is Vince now a therapist, too?

Oddly, Offer seems to be hitting on all cylinders in this short infomercial. Mispronouncing pasta (it's not "freducinni," Vince), promising that the Slap Chop will make America skinny, laying goofy sound effects over the tossing of a competitors product, making testicle jokes; the man is throwing everything he has at the wall with this one.

Here's the abbreviated version of the Slap Chop infomercial:

I wonder if those who are somehow charmed by Offer's technique would still be interested in his products if they knew about his past as the director of the Underground Comedy Movie? Remember those late night informercial ads? You know, the ones that claimed the video to be "guaranteed to offend?" 

Here is an excerpt from the New York Times review of Offer's movie: 

. . . Vince Offer, who accepts responsibility for this wretched film by arrogating the writer's and director's credits, makes the common mistake of equating the recognition of comic potential for comedy itself. For the successful, talent bridges the gap, but here it is absent.

Ah, Vince, what a strange life you must lead. At least you have your Slap Chop. Just keep slapping those troubles away, right? 

Letters to Santa

This week's edition of The West Hartford News features a series of letters to Santa. For those readers from out of town, I thought I'd share a few of my favorites.

First up is Rodrigo, age 9:

 

This is easily the best line:

What does a mad 9-year-old write to Santa? Are there fat jokes involved? Jabs at elf labor? Maybe a dig or two aimed toward the Mrs.? Do kids use mama jokes?

Sorry Rodrigo, but Santa is ALWAYS watching you. The guys watches you while you sleep, if song lyrics are to be believed, so I'm sure he saw the seriousness tattooed on your furrowed brow as you dropped that "accidental" letter in the postbox. 

This last minute apology may work on your 9-year-old friends, but Santa's seen his fair amount of, well, BS in his life. He may be a tougher nut to crack. Good luck in your efforts.

Moving on, here's our next letter, one that the staff at the News has done nothing to help:

Oh, dear Kayla, Santa does not look kindly on those who can't spell. Of course, the folks at the News could have at least corrected that before going to press. Something tells me the average reader wouldn't have minded reading "goes," "dress," and "balloons" instead of "gose," "dres," and "buloons." 

Plus, you're all over the place with your list. Who asks for water balloons and two computers in the same sentence? What kid needs two computers? Are you setting up some sort of home office or something? You got to spread out the requests a bit. 

You're young. You'll learn.

Finally, our third letter seems to be written by a young (or old) person named Annika. Make sure to read the sign off:

Did you see that? 

Are there 75-year-olds in town posing as children to get "little ugly doll things" that they can grow? And, if so, what are they planning to do with them once they're full sized?

I'll tell you what they're going to do: Elderly coup d'etat!

Oh, we've been warned. We've been warned.

The hottest gift this holiday season, courtesy of The Onion

Aunts And Stepdads Line Up For This Year's Hottest Gift: The Electric Tea Kettle

The horrors of the holidays

I was scanning around YouTube today and decided to do a search of folks singing Christmas songs. Naturally, I was looking for horrible, horrible examples to share with all of you.

Here are my findings:

According to YouTuber Dabugi, this was his "pathetic attempt at a last minute Christmas greeting. I turned the radio on and started singing the first song that came on. It wasn't until 'Chestnuts' that I even knew what song it was." 

I must say, my favorite elements to the video are: 1. This man's dedication to finishing the song, 2. The annoyed cat that wanders through about 1/3 of the way in, and 3. The awesome "intense eyes" the guy uses throughout the performance.

Okay, so what's really weird with this one is that the performer seems to be nude. Why? We'll never know. And maybe that's a good thing.

A great component of this performance is the fact that the singer is too scared to show her face, choosing instead to hide behind a roll of wrapping paper. What's even better are the dead eyes she has while obviously speed reading the lyrics to the "12 Days of Christmas."

The jacket. The reverb in his voice. The swaying. What can I say? Brilliant.

Beware of my undead army of gingerbread men!

This is what happens when it rains on a December day and I have too much time on my hands . . . Gingerbread Zombies!

To be fair, many normal gingerthings were also made, but I couldn't resist Photoshopping a little portrait of my minions. 

Gimme something to write on . . .

My buddy Mark turned me onto the following video. Several months ago (probably this past spring), someone out there in the big wide world of ours posted online the David Lee Roth vocal master track from the Van Halen hit "Runnin' With The Devil." If you haven't heard this, you must seek it out. It is quite hilarious.

Well, it appears this mysterious music trickster, or someone else with time and access to 28-year-old masters, has done it again. Here is David's vocal track for "Hot For Teacher." Though not as initially satisfying as "Runnin'," it's worth a listen just to hear the "Oh My God" line at about the 3:20 point.

via idolator

Thanksgiving break

Tomorrow marks yet another Thanksgiving. And, yes, my loyal Canadian and Grenadine readers, I do realize that your Thanksgiving has already come and gone last month (did you know that Thanksgiving was celebrated in Grenada? That sounds like a great movie title: Thanksgiving in Grenada.). 

Being a New Englander, and a Massachusetts resident for nearly all of my life, Thanksgiving is a "big deal" holiday. It certainly seems to have a strange stranglehold on my family. Maybe it's because the Pilgrims started it all almost 400 years ago. Maybe it's because we're uptight New Englanders. Either way, Thanksgiving is often an over-the-top ordeal.

To alleviate some of the holiday stress, I have provided the following relief kit below:

1. The late, great Mitch Hedberg, talking turkey

2. Actual instructions from WikiHow for creating your own "hand turkey" drawing (for those with sadly sheltered childhoods)

3. A hard-hitting Stove Top commercial from 30 years ago

4. Potato Art

 

From the Prince Edward Island Potato Museum.

"Potato Sculpture Federation Sq. Melbourne" by John Mutsaers

"Mashed Potato Goldfish" by Monique Daley

5. Advice on how to talk to boring relatives at dinner

6. A man obsessed with turkey

7. The fine art of turkey hunting, courtesy of Stella (kinda NSFW. Well, really NSFW.)

8. And, finally, for those of you considering that 4 a.m. trip to Best Buy on Friday morning, a word of warning (in the form of a video clip):

Enjoy the break, everyone. And, if some of you out there are going to be stuck working at 4 a.m. on Friday, I feel for you. Just remember, duck and cover.

Criss Angel '80s hair band video

Criss Angel, magician, "mindfreak" and apparent Hugh Hefner-castoff knight-in-shining-Long-Island-charm, is often an unintentionally hilarious magician. He's really kind of a goof, from his super serious tricks to his cheesy jewelry and his oddly obsessive fans. Really, how can you take this face seriously?

Anyway, Mr. Angel, it seems, was once part of a hair metal band. Well, more like a hair metal/magic band. With Criss being a Long Island boy, I suppose this shouldn't be much of a shock. And, as with many bands, the boys in the group adopted a simple name, the "must've-taken-three-seconds-to-decide" moniker Angel.

In the video below for the single "Don't You Want My Love," watch as Criss channels Jon Bon Jovi, David Lee Roth, Steven Tyler, Paul Stanley, Michael Jackson, and others as he warbles his way though tricks and licks.

That gremlin stole my putter!

On Main Street in Windsor Locks, sandwiched between an AutoZone and Family Dollar ("your Bugle Boy headquarters!") in Dexter Plaza, a horror beyond belief calmly waits for an unsuspecting victim to open its doors. It is dark. It is loud. And it combines two horrific concepts with the force of Thor's hammer. 

Those faint of heart should look away immediately. I do not wish to cause any harm! For, I am about to mention this beast's name right here on this very blog! 

There are three hideous words!

And those three words are: Monster. Mini. Golf!

Oh, the fright that awaits those who dare enter! The Professor and I barely got out alive! Such brave children were inside, gingerly putting away as monsters loomed overhead, constantly threatening destruction and mischief!

Okay, so it wasn't really scary. And, the facility being entirely lit by black-lights only made me wish that I hadn't worn a wool sweater inside. But, the place was unusually fun, whether it was the oddity of listening to Cher over the loudspeaker as I was lining up to putt my ball past the Toxic Waste barrel, or the actual challenge that some of the holes provided (there were several moments of me saying, "Where IS the hole we're looking for?" as we scoured to find our endpoint).

Here are a few pictures from our trip:

 

Sexiest pole dancer in CT? Perhaps.

 

Scary Mummy. Also, mini golf temperature guard.

 

 

Such brave children.

Of course, an afternoon with so many ghouls and ghosts made me itch for some scary movies once we got home. I had Errol Morris' Standard Operating Procedure from Netflix, but that wasn't really the horror I was looking for. No, what I felt like was some good old Creepshow, a film near and dear to my heart. I've probably seen this movie 100 times in my life, mostly thanks to my childhood friend Ben. As kids, we'd watch Creepshow nearly every Saturday at his house. Why? Well, check out this awesome clip of a young Ed Harris getting his groove on and then tell me you can resist wanting more:

Nobody turns down a radio like Ed Harris. Nobody.

For more info on Monster Mini Golf, visit their website over here.

Tim and Eric Awesome Pussy Doodles!

This clip from Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job! really makes me laugh. David Cross is a genius.

Time for a Muppet News Flash . . .

A timely message from "Drunk History"

Drunk History is a really entertaining web series hosted over at Funny or Die in which random individuals drink a lot of booze and then tell historical stories. These stories are then acted out visually in the exact manner of which they are told. As you would expect, the results are often hilarious.

The most recent episode of DH tells the tale of William Henry Harrison, the ninth president of the United States, and questions if an older man should be left in charge of a country. It isn't the best episode in the series (I'd have to give that to the Jack Black/Benjamin Franklin episode), but it delivers a timely message for us all to ponder as we approach the big election next week.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die