What would happen if zombies were real? Let's ask the scientists ...

The BBC (normally a trusted source of news) ran a story today about zombies. As in, "How would we fare if these fictional creatures were real?" Really.

From the article:

If zombies actually existed, an attack by them would lead to the collapse of civilisation unless dealt with quickly and aggressively.

That is the conclusion of a mathematical exercise carried out by researchers in Canada.

They say only frequent counter-attacks with increasing force would eradicate the fictional creatures.

The scientific paper is published in a book - Infectious Diseases Modelling Research Progress.

You can read the full article (with awesome zombie picture) over here.

Sure YOUR dog can talk, but does he sell antiques?

We have some very smart animals here in West Hartford. How smart? Take Big Shot, spokesperson (and proprietor?) of Estate Buys of West Hartford:

He's savvy, he speaks english, and he buys your old stuff. Dude has some eclectic taste, as well. Was that an octopus lamp? Strange ...

Continuing the strange trend of animal stories coming out of Connecticut ...

This is odd. So odd that it almost sounds like the start of a really bad joke my father would email me. But, strangely enough, it is true.

From the Hartford Courant:

A 20-year-old driver caused a multi-car crash on Main Street Monday morning when his pet baby snakes escaped from his pants pockets, police said.

Angel Rolon, of New Britain, lost control of his SUV as he and a passenger scrambled to catch the two snakes, which had slithered down near the gas and brake pedals, police said.

Yes, jokes about trouser snakes could be made, but I'm going to refrain. Three cars were involved in the accident. Nobody was seriously injured. And, as far as I can tell, the snakes were all recovered.

If you're interested, the full (rather short) article on the incident can be found here.

Monkeys and alligators and possums, oh my!

In an effort to safely rid Connecticut of unwanted exotic pets (isn't it kind of weird that the state needs to be concerned about people having exotic pets?), the Beardsley Zoo on Saturday held an amnesty day, allowing owners to drop off their animals with no questions asked. This, of course, springs from the chimpanzee attack earlier this year that left one person mauled. There's a nice article about the event over here at the Hartford Courant.

A couple highlights:

Luis Rivera drove down from West Hartford to drop off a 3-foot long alligator he took in a few years ago from "three girls who couldn't take care of it and didn't know what to do."

Rivera, who installs and maintains aquariums for a living, never gave the reptile a name because he always intended to get rid of it, if he could find a safe way to do so. He kept it in a 100-gallon tank, fed it "chicken wings, steak" and other food. He found the right home when he read a news story about the amnesty collection.

That's right, alligators in West Hartford! It's like a bad horror movie waiting to happen. And this wasn't the only alligator story in the article:

The Bernier family from Milford— Kevin, Alison and their 12-year-old son, Mark — dropped off their 2-foot alligator, "Allan," which some evicted tenants left behind four years ago in a third-floor apartment, a surprise to the Berniers.

The creature had doubled in size on its diet — including frozen pet-store-bought mice — and it had sprouted teeth and a nervous attitude and had outgrown its tank.

So the collection day was a godsend, Kevin Bernier said. Allan's departure gives the family sole tenancy of the room used for ironing and a home office.

"Like, I'm sad, but it tried to bite you," Mark said of the alligator, who was considered by neighborhood kids as an awesome pet.

****

If these aren't enough bizarre pet stories for you, check out the canary fighting ring that was busted up in Shelton. You read that correctly: a canary fighting ring. Not chickens or roosters. Little, tiny songbirds. Fighting to the death.

"Am I being punk'd?" asked neighbor John Coniglio, referring to a television show famous for playing pranks on celebrities. "I mean, this is crazy. I've never heard of a canary ring. I can't picture little canaries with razor blades taped to their feet or anything."

The raid christened 19 jailbirds along with $8,000 cash.

The strangest chalk outline ...

From this week's Ocean State Job Lot flyer (I admit, the OSJL, Job Lot, or Ocean State - the nickname changes depending on my mood - is a guilty pleasure. They've got some good deals. Seriously.). Is the average consumer so dumb that we really need the dashed outline?

"It was the weirdest thing, Sarge. When we found the body, which, as you can see, is now represented by these dashes, it had this wire contraption inside of it."

"Son, that's a genuine 'Beer Can' Chicken Roaster! Our suspect must buy his goods at the Job Lot! He may be a murderer, but he knows where to find sweet deals!"

Mysteries of West Hartford: The Glow Crosses dispenser at Waldbaum's

What you see here is Waldbaum's supermarket in West Hartford. Waldbaum's is your typical grocery store in many respects. But, along with its Bishops Corner neighbor Crown market, it also focuses its efforts toward the Jewish community of West Hartford by stocking a large selection of Kosher food products. 

Anyway, just this past weekend I was in to buy a few items and, being as I'm a gigantic child, I made sure to stop at the exit to see what was available from the store's gumball dispensers.

There was a cool fake mustache dispenser that piqued my interest, some candy dispensers, and then there was this:

 

Glow Crosses? Really?

Now, perhaps this is just the cynic in me, but doesn't it seem strange that the owners of said candy dispenser chose to put a Glow Cross dispenser in Waldbaum's? Granted, I realize that I, along with many other shoppers that frequent the store, are not of the Jewish faith, but still, it feels a little pointed.

And then there's the question of how many kids actually want a glow-in-the-dark plastic cross necklace. I know that the seven-year-old version of myself wouldn't have wanted one, and I was an altar boy. 

"Timmy, I've got two quarters. Do you want anything from the dispensers? Some candy or a fake mustache?"

"Please, Mother, I only want a Glow Cross."

"Are you sure? I mean, there's chocolate and gum and -"

"Silence, woman! Now give me those quarters!"

I suppose the true test is to see if the Crown has a Glow Cross dispenser, as well. I can't say I've seen them at any other market. Then again, I do the rest of my shopping at Whole Foods, where candy dispensers are a big no-no.

Long weekend tidbits

 • This Sunday will mark the final curtain call for the Park Road Playhouse. In my short time here, I've never been to a performance, but it's sad to see it go. Here's an article detailing the closure.

• Did you hear that there's a zombie movie that only cost $70 to make that premiered at the Cannes Film Festival? It's true. 

• West Hartford's Memorial Day parade will begin at 10AM on Monday. The parade starts at the corner of Woodrow Street and Farmington Avenue and runs all the way to the Town Hall. Attendance is encouraged ...

• Is there a fight brewing between TV pitchmen Billy Mays and Vince "Shamwow/Slap Chop/prostitute biter" Shlomi Offer? According to a report from Pittsburgh's KDKA, Shlomi may have to start watching out for the bearded wonder:

He's still fighting with the bad boy of the infomercials, Vince Shlomi. Just mention "ShamWow!" to Mays and the sparks start flying.

"Sham pow!" said Mays. "What do you think? I'm going to take the high road on this but be careful what you name your product. I had the original product 'Zorbeez.' It laid the foundation. What he did was build the house. Now, I'm moving back in. I'm going to take back what's mine and if you're out there Vince ... 'ShamPow!'... okay?"

• And, finally, speaking of scary things hunting you down, there's the story of Ex-UConn and New England Patriots football player Eric Naponski, who was arrested this week in connection with a murder that occurred in 1994. Naponski is accused of shooting a man six times as part of a life insurance scheme.

His lawyer, one Jeffrey Chartier, is quoted as saying, "I don't know why they made such a big dog-and-pony show out of it," when referring to the arrest. Hmmm, it might have something to do with the six bullets fired into a man's chest. Plus, we're in Connecticut, we need  some action.

A brief break from packing/moving

The constant cycle of "pack boxes, fill car, bring boxes to new apartment, come home, go to work, eat, sleep, start again" is beginning to take a toll. I think the Professor and I will have to get out of the circuit tonight and take a break.

In the meantime, I offer you this very strange video of elderly banging heads to death metal. Enjoy!

Hardcore Grandparents - watch more funny videos

What does this say about the driver?

I was driving behind the car in the above photo the other day. My good fortune found my digital camera handy. 

Now, maybe I'm just cynical, but something struck me as both funny and sad seeing a person use a "Proud to be an American" bumper sticker to cover a massive crack in their bumper. 

It felt like an incredibly loaded image that could mean so many different things.

Things I wish you could see

Connecticut has some really horribly produced local commercials. Some, like the Fast Eddy and Good Old Tom commercials I posted a couple weeks ago, are goofy fun. But some, by God, are genuinely, and oftentimes unintentionally, hilarious.

The problem is that I can't find them online anywhere, which means I can't share them with you.

This is understandable, I suppose. If I was responsible for making these laughers, I probably wouldn't be posting them on my website, either.

But I so want to have them on this blog!

I suppose I must resort to description.

There are two that stand out. The first is for Assisted Living, Inc., a . . . wait for it . . . assisted living facility here in the state. The spot opens on Mom calling her children downstairs. The kids, typical moppet-types, come halfway down the stairs and Mom says, "We're going to visit Grandma." And the kids, in a way only television commercial children can, respond in unison, "Grandma's house! YAYYYYYYYY!" Oh, it kills me every time they say it. I can just see the director saying, "Now, this time I want you two to hold the 'yay' for four seconds. Really draw it out." 

The commercial then delves into dark and scary territory, as apparently Grandma isn't quite as spry as she used to be and has to be moved out of "Grandma's House." How will Mom explain this to the children?

I know, this description really doesn't do much, but, man, if only you could see it.

The second spot is for Porter and Chester, an occupational training school. It highlights the school's HVAC repair training program and features this guy who talks to the camera as if the viewer is a complete moron. "You like working with your hands?" he asks in the most condescending of all possible ways. He sneers as he tells you how wonderful and rewarding a career in HVAC repair is for him. There's a certain point where you almost wait for him to say "Hey dummy" before continuing on.

Here's an example of a normal Porter and Chester commercial:

Now imagine this commercial done by a surly man who thinks you're an idiot. That's pretty much what I'm talking about

Argh! I wish I could find these to post.

Though, the truth is, all was not lost in my search. While spelunking deep into the heart of YouTube, I did come across this commercial for something called Testa's Sauce. I've never witnessed it on television, but it's pretty entertaining. And, to top it off, it's from right here in Connecticut.

I could watch this guy tell his Nana how much he loves her sauce all day:

Lovely tidbits from the Rollercoaster Cuts press release

I realize others have written about the new Six Flags Rollercoaster Cuts hair salon for children that is opening up here in West Hartford this weekend (yes, Six Flags, the floundering theme park chain, is taking the logical step of opening hair salons). And, to be honest, any business filling storefronts in Blue Back Square is a great thing. However, in reading the press release for Rollercoaster Cuts on Six Flag's website, I can't help but laugh. For a place to get a your tot's locks trimmed, Six Flags seems pretty excited.

Here are a few highlights (with my snarky comments italicized below):

"Rollercoaster Cuts will revolutionize the ordinary task of getting a haircut."

Thank God! If there's one thing massive amounts of money need to be sunk into to solve in this world, it's the ordinary task of getting a haircut.

"Even while shampooing, children will have the option to sit straight up in a traditional chair or lie flat on their backs watching point-of-view camera angles of Six Flags' biggest coaster drops." 

And the stylists have all come equipped with the coolest in Six Flags themed barf bags for those little rugrats who choose to watch those coaster drops.

"Customized kids salon packages like The Glammy, Zoink, Big Kapow and Blama Jama . . ." 

Now, if you were outside and asked for a Blama Jamma, you'd be getting something else altogether. 

"Every haircut will come complete with a FREE photo to capture the moment."

A FREE photo? That's why your stocks are in the toilet Six Flags! You've got to charge for those things!

Of course, I'm just trying to have a bit of fun here. I wish the best for Rollercoaster Cuts and for the stylists who are taking the brave task of dealing with small children all day long. Now, as long as Six Flags doesn't become the sponsor for the Mark Twain House, I think we'll be okay.

"Holy cow!" he exclaimed as he stepped foot into Stew Leonard's

Stew Leonard's, where have you been all my life?

You combine three of my favorite things: food, animatronic figures, and employee distributed free samples (Sorry, Le Gourmet Chef, but I just don't dig on your germ-infested bowls of nachos that are left out for customers to try. Too many snotty children with snotty fingers.).

You even have a decently stocked wine shop!

And your pies! Your pies!

If you can't tell, I recently visited Stew Leonard's market for the first time. The Professor and I stopped in because the store was having a good deal on vegetables and cage-free eggs. We didn't know anything about the market before pulling into the lot in Newington, but judging by the amount of cars already there, we figured Stew's wasn't your typical grocery store.

And it isn't. It's far more of an event than I expected. There aren't aisles. Instead, you're corralled through one master path, like at an Ikea. Along the way, there are plenty of strange animated characters that sing and dance for children (and adults like me). There are also plenty of tasting stations, which lead to traffic snarls left and right.

But no one inside seems to be bothered by the slow pace. We are all having fun tasting sushi and chicken sausage and watching a gigantic piece of cheese talk to us. We aren't there to just pop in for a bottle of Coke. That's what Stop and Shop is for.

No, Stew Leonard's is like a bizarre Chuck E. Cheese for adults. 

That being said, I wouldn't go to Stew Leonard's for all of my grocery needs. It's just too chaotic. I had a hard time carrying a basket through the store, never mind a push cart. Plus the prices on items like cereal seemed a bit high. But Stew Leonard's isn't a place for cereal. It's there for specialty items. The meat section is massive. The bakery is enormous. And the line at the ice cream stand, in the middle of February, assured me that Stew Leonard's knows a thing or two about making sweets.

And the place is so darn cute. I mean, look at the company logo:

How can you resist? The cow's just happy as a clam, saying, "Hey, come on in! Buy the milk that came from me. Or the cheese. Then, while you're here, why not pick up a part of one of my brothers and grill it for dinner?"

Okay, cute lil cow. I think I will!

WFSB makes it on "The Soup"

Local news station WFSB, Hartford's (well, Rocky Hill's) own channel 3, made an appearance on last night's episode of The Soup. Though I couldn't find the actual clip from the show, here's the original WFSB newscast segment that was used:

Having grown up near Warren, MA, the Molly Bish story is truly sad. I'm hoping that there will be closure soon, for the sake of her family. That being said, who was at the switch at channel 3 when this went down? That hamster couldn't have been a legitimate mistake, could it? This is pretty embarrassing.

On a side note, if someone did, say, lose their job over this . . . Hi, I'm Ben. I have a long history in the film and television industry. Oh, and I AM looking for a job!

Attack of the killer turkeys

NBC 30 ran a really funny piece on the news yesterday about a group of angry turkeys that have been terrifying postal workers in Rockport, Massachusetts. Unfortunately, they didn't post the video online. They did, however, run a text version of the story. I'm sure the attacks have been scary for the postal workers, but for the rest of us, it's pure entertainment:

Service has been suspended since January 15 for a group of homes in Rockport, Mass. because a gang of turkeys, lead by two male "ring leaders", have chased, and tried to peck the mailman off his route for the past five months.

"Some of the neighbors said their dogs have been attacked, but mostly it's just been our postal truck," said Rockport Post Office Delivery Manager Tim Russell. "They chase the truck down the street---two males in particular. It's just unbelievable."

You can read more about the war over here at the NBC 30 website.

The Prayer Cross: Huh?

I just caught this infomercial advertisement on, of all things, Spike TV (I was flipping through the stations, I swear! I was NOT watching a Steven Seagal movie). It is for a necklace called the Prayer Cross. The ad claims that, when you hold the magic Prayer Cross up to the light, the entire "Our Father" somehow becomes "miraculously" visible to the wearer. How is this possible? Does anyone out there have one of these? I'm just curious. Is it just a tiny View-Master?

Or is it really a miracle!

I don't know how much I can trust this ad. At one point, it claims the necklace to be one-of-a-kind, which is obviously a lie, unless they're spending all this money to sell one $19.95 (correction: $39.98 + shipping) article.

Anyway, here's the ad, via YouTube:   

Guaranteed blog hit

A few weeks ago, I wrote about a little product that has suddenly become very popular. A hint: it has the following words in its name: slap and chop. Since the post went live, I have had a massive amount of search engine queries leading folks to the blog, so much so that the post has become the number one piece of the entire site, being directly accessed at a rate of over 2:1 compared to the second most popular page. Now, I don't know why the Smap Chlop (that's my secret code for the item. Don't want to give away too much publicity.) is in our nation's collective mind quite as much as it is, but it makes me want to spin this entire blog into an "as seen on TV" affair.

The lesson here? If you're down on your web hits, just turn to Vince and his amazing culinary inventions. We are all really fascinated with flashy television pitchmen.

Now, I wonder how I can fit Billy Mays into more articles . . .

Photographic proof of hobo Christmas trees!

Friday, I wrote about West Hartford's growing population of homeless Christmas trees littering the sidewalks and roads. Well, it appears the trees have given up the idea that public works will come for them and have taken to rule number one of the old hobo code ("Decide your own life, don't let another person run or rule you.").

Here are a couple snapshots I was able to get early this morning as a whole group was leaving town:

  

The poll

The CNN website always has a daily poll. Usually, it has something to do with the economy or mundane things like shopping. Today's, however, is rather odd:

Jeez, CNN, what a Debbie Downer you are! Thankfully, as of this writing, over 85% of clickers have felt hopeful about 2009. If you want to sway the vote either way, visit cnn.com.

Snohawks on the highway

I traveled to Boston yesterday and was reminded why I didn't mind leaving the city. What with the snow everywhere and the tight roads and the lassez-faire attitude most Bostonians have when it comes to shoveling, the place was a streaky, off-white (okay, brown) mess.

What always amazes me in Massachusetts is the amount of cars driving around with what I call a "snohawk," essentially a strip of snow running along their hood, roof, and trunk. It's a trait that I always thought was universal, but I just haven't seen it much here in Connecticut.

Either all of these drivers have tyrannosaurus rex arms and can't reach that far with a brush or they're just really lazy. I passed one snohawker on the highway who had been pulled over by a state trooper. For whatever reason, he actually looked confused as the officer pointed at the 10" of snow that lined his roof, waiting to blind the drivers behind him at 70 miles per hour. He appeared to be whimpering. I, on the hand, smiled and cheered.

Old house go boom, then gives present

The apartment in which the Professor and I live is in an old house, built around 1920. And, with such age often comes various odd issues. Needless to say, we've become well versed in quirky 90-year-old plumbing, especially as our old apartment in Boston was from the same era.

Over the weekend, our tub decided to stop draining altogether. This did not come as a shock, as, when we first moved in, there were no hair traps of any kind covering the drain. The long clumps of hair that we pulled out that first day were enough to churn most stomachs.

Anyway, our tub wasn't draining, only dredging up muck from the pipes below. See, here's a picture:

Now, the Professor is definitely a do-it-yourself type. I, on the other hand, make an valiant attempt, then remember I don't own the place and call a landlord. So, the Prof headed out to Home Depot and came home with a thing called a Zip-it. Basically a 2' long piece of plastic with thorns, it, needless to say, was pretty worthless. Our problem was much further down than a Zip-it could handle.

Our landlord came by to check things out. He puttered for a few minutes. Plunged. Looked at the pipes in the basement. Plunged again. 

No luck.

It was something we'd need a plumber to fix.

Long story short, the plumber came yesterday and did his thing. Pipes were cleared. Tub drained. But, the kicker of the whole thing was what we found in the ceiling of the basement while getting at pipes. Here, check it out:

Why a toothbrush was up there, nestled between the plaster ceiling and the pipes, I have no idea. But, that's the magic of old houses. Issues arise and, while fixing them, discoveries are made. Who knows what is hidden in the walls around me as I type this? Memories, treasures, secrets? It's anyone's guess.