A letter to the neighbors

I'm toying with the idea of leaving the following letter on our next door neighbor's porch when we move:

Dear former neighbor,

Congratulations, you've won! You probably didn't even realize you were involved in any sort of contest. I'll give you a minute to let the moment set in. I realize this honor must come as a bit of a shock. 

Okay . . . ready to continue?

The truth is, former neighbor, you have driven me and my wife from the neighborhood. And it only took eight months!

How did you achieve such a feat so quickly? Well, it's a combination of quite a few things. First, the rapping at 4 a.m. was a bit of a frustration. Then there's the constant entourage of cars that go up and down your driveway at all hours (you'd think you were dealing drugs over there or something. Hey, wait a minute . . .). And, to be frank, it's a little scary to hear your custody battles that occur three to four nights a week.

I know, you like your repetitive music. Hey, I can't blame someone for loving horribly repetitive music. Did I mention how repetitive your music is?

And where else would one naturally make a cell phone call at two a.m. than their driveway, am I right?

I guess what I'm driving at, former neighbor, is that your habits are annoying. I really thought that time I called the police on you that things would settle down. 

I was wrong. You sure are set in your ways.

So, you've won. We're gone. Headed for a much quieter stretch of land. I'd tell you where it is, but I fear you'd somehow find a way to move in nearby.

As I bid you farewell, let me close with this:

Okay, I've got nothing. I really can't stand you.

Sincerely,

Your former neighbor.