I'm not talking politics.
I'm talking Halloween costumes and the inevitable Halloween party you'll have to attend.
A great costume, and you'll be talked about for years to come. A bad costume, and you'll be laughed into a mini-Snickers fueled binge. And we all know mini-Snickers are gateway candies. Before long, you'll be hitting the full-sized bars and, of course, you'll then get into meth.
Avoiding such horrors isn't very difficult. In fact, there are only a few simple rules to follow. And, since I have plenty of time on my hands, I present these rules to you now. Enjoy!
1. No costumes can come from a failed movie franchise.
Sure, maybe YOU went to see Speed Racer or The Love Guru, but no one else did. So, stay away from the embarrassment of not only admitting to liking these movies, but of explaining to everyone at the party who you're supposed to be.
Note: this rule doesn't apply if you're attending a hipster party. If you find yourself in such a situation, dressing this way may actually score you some points.
2. If your name isn't Shia, do not try to be a character played by a guy named Shia.
This rule applies to pretty much any movie character played by a thin, hunky Hollywood-type. Truth is, if you don't have the body of said hunk, you end up looking pretty stupid when you try to dress like their character. Case in point, may I present to you the "Mutt" costume from Indiana Jones and the one with the aliens that really was the worst of the series:
Even the guy in the photo knows that this was a mistake.
3. Lay off the ethnic stereotypes
This should be an obvious one, but these costume places are bound to get you in this department. Here's a costume that transforms a man into a taco:
Is the sombrero really needed? Do you think someone would see this and say, "You know, I can't quite place what you're supposed to be?" What's even more horrible is that on buycostumes.com, where I found these pictures, the Taco costume has various accessories like handlebar mustaches and maracas that can be purchased. Maybe you can go for broke and carry around a pinata, as well.
Better yet, why don't you go and insult the Italians instead:
I doubt the pizza is included.Actually, this costume wouldn't be half bad if you turned it into a Chef Tony costume. You know, the creepy infomercial guy that sells the knives and covers for bowls:
I'd totally dig a Chef Tony costume. But, again, this may only work at a hipster party.
So, there you go. Follow these three easy steps, and you'll probably escape your Halloween with minimal to no ego bruising. I'm not saying you'll be the belle of the ball, but you won't get jumped by teenagers while you walk home, either.
Signing off, here's the funniest costume picture from buycostimes.com. Watch out for this little guy. He's out to enforce my rules. And he doesn't take excuses.
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2 comments:
Fabulous costumes..! Halloween is really a finest occasion to dress as scantily as possible.
There in is somewhat the problem.... no offense to you- but Halloween has been shanghaied by the latent sexual repression of the American populace. Scantily clad adventures have poured out into some awkward stares from that contingency of the mob that wants to explore their sexuality. Sex has trumped horror as the go to weapon of the holiday. Remember when the Matrix was big? That Hallowe'en I saw, literally, 12 different Trinity's- half of which recycled their Catwoman catsuits from years past. That and the fact that Dirty French maids shouldn't be relinquished to one night alone! If you're gonna dress lioke a slut- do it... but splatter some fake blood on your self just so you can remind everone just what holiday it is.
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