Being a trailing spouse is not easy. Suddenly coming to a stop in life and changing gears can be pretty dramatic and unnerving, especially when you were the "breadwinner" before your move. It is something you think you're ready for until you're actually thrown into the fire of it all. Added to that is the temporary loss of work, which only makes the days drag by more.
1. Keep busy Remember going for those long car trip with your parents when you were little? Remember filling up a bag with comics and sketch pads and books and toys to keep yourself occupied during the ride? Well, welcome to the long trip to Grandma's, only Grandma is your next job, and the road can be very long as you travel there. Keep your mind active. Keep your body active. Do not watch Blind Date marathons on Fox Reality Channel. They'll only make you feel worse after you realize the sun has gone down and you still haven't left the couch.
2. Looking for a job doesn't count as keeping busy After you decide what you'd like to do and where you'd like to do it, your average day of job hunting shouldn't take more than a half hour to an hour online. Remember this. It can be very easy to stare at the same job listings all day. Like a pot of water, jobs don't seem to come to a boil if you keep staring at them. Instead, put aside a limited amount of time each day to look for a job. Stick to that time table.
3. Learn your neighborhood Go outside. Say hello to your neighbors. Read a book in the town square. Make a point to get to know someone besides your spouse. Otherwise, you'll go crazy. It is easy to hate your new environment if you have no job and know absolutely nothing about your new area. Learn what there is to do.
4. Give up your ego It is a very strange feeling to be unemployed when you first arrive at your new home. In fact, it can be absolutely frustrating. You feel like you can't support yourself or your spouse. You feel like you aren't contributing enough. But, remember that the reason you moved was because your spouse got "THE" job that they wanted, that they had been training for, that most likely pays a lot more than the job that they had, right? So, let go of your ego. You can get by. And the work will come. It just may take a bit. That's why you packed your big bag of stuff.
Hope this helps anyone that stumbles across this. Like I said, these are a few things I wish I knew before I took this plunge. Just stay calm, stay confident, and enjoy your new home and the happiness your spouse has in their new position. If you do this, things will work out.
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3 comments:
Could you explain why you think that if a man wants a job outside the home, he has an "ego" problem? I mean is the desire to be self-sufficient and independent and to use the skills/education you worked to acquire, an example of an ego problem? Why? Do you also think women who want to have careers have "ego" problems? Or is it only men whose desire for a career is proof of excessive ego?
Something tells me you misinterpreted what I wrote. When I was saying one should "give up their ego," I meant that, when moving to a new, unfamiliar place, an individual can oftentimes find themselves stuck in a stretch of unemployment and should not expect instant success. Add in the fact that the US is in an economic tailspin, and this stretch can be longer than anticipated. This is not intending to say that anyone who wants a job has an ego problem, just that the work one does in life, in one way or another, contributes to their ego and that, when one is out of work, a certain sense of inferiority can take control. And for men, I think there's this pre-programmed need to be self-sustained in the world that can really take a hit when they're out of work. Is this the same for women? I don't know. I'm not one, so I can't give you an answer.
It is the same for women. I've been mentally preparing for our imminent move for years. I'm currently the breadwinner and have been in a stable job for 6 years that I'll have to leave when my husband gets a job after his PhD. It will be a huge hit to my self-esteem, and even worse because I feel like I'm sliding into a prescribed category due to my gender. That makes it sting.
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