Dear Mr. Trailing Spouse . . .

Each issue of Hartford Magazine contains a section titled "Ask an Expert." In this month's addition, resident expert Nancy Thompson helps the curious finally answer the age-old question: How do you brine a turkey?

I enjoy reading these sort of potpourri segments. And, seeing that Ms. Thompson obviously has her hands full, what with the brining and all, I have decided to throw my services into the ring to help answer some of the West Hartford questions that have fallen through the cracks.

It's a new segment I like to call Dear Mr. Trailing Spouse.

Dear Mr. Trailing Spouse,

What's the deal with Four Mile Road? I've walked down it several times and it clearly isn't 4 miles long, is it?

Z. Confrey 

Dear Z, Yes, you are correct. Four Mile Road, seen here in an ancient architectural sketch, is NOT 4 miles long. In fact, it is only about 1/2 of a mile in length. The reason for the name Four Mile Road is simple: Four Mile Road is male. And, as we all know, male roads sometimes like to exaggerate.

Dear Mr. Trailing Spouse,

Noah Webster recently turned 250 years old. I wonder, was the REAL Mr. Webster as tall as his statue in front of the library?

Timmy Thompbop, age 8

Dear Timmy, I'm always happy to see the youth of today interested in expanding their minds. To answer your question about the statue, which, by the way, was sculpted by Korczak Ziółkowski, I recently spoke with Sarah-Jane Robideux, historian and time traveller:

Mr. Trailing Spouse: Ms. Robideux, was Noah Webster actually 13 1/2 feet tall?

Sarah-Jane Robideux: No, he was not.

MTS: I didn't think so. I -

SJR: He was bigger!

MTS: Really?

SJR: He ruled with an iron fist! The dictionary was only created so that he could drop it on people from great heights, crushing them to the earth below! I was from his time! You need to help me get back to the past! I don't belong in this crazy future world!

It was then that I realized Ms. Robideux was most likely crazy. So, believe what you want, young Timmy. Noah Webster may have been over 13 1/2 feet tall. Or, he may have been shorter.

Dear Mr. Trailing Spouse,

What's with the multiple wing restaurants being so close together (Wings, West Wings, and Wing Street)? Is there some sort of wing conspiracy at work here?

Chester Copperpot

Dear Mr. Copperpot, No, there is not a conspiracy in the fact that three separate wing establishments reside within a half mile stretch (with two across the street from each other). The area you're referring to, better known as the Wing District, actually, by law passed in West Hartford in 1974, can ONLY serve food comprised of chicken wings. Sure, you may ORDER a hamburger or a pizza, but, the truth is, the food that you will be served is comprised completely of chicken wings. If you pay close attention, you can often notice the subtle taste of buffalo sauce in everything, from ice cream to coffee to vegetables.

Dear Mr. Trailing Spouse,

I know that the state song of Connecticut is Yankee Doodle, but I was wondering if the town of West Hartford had an official town song?

A. Peavey

Dear A., Though the town of West Hartford does not have an official song, through research I have found that the town seems to have adopted a version of the Barry Manilow hit "Mandy" as the unofficial town song. Below are the lyrics (many thanks to town historian Sarah-Jane Robideux for providing these): 

Oh, Noah,

Well you came and you gave without taking

and crushed me with your books

Oh Noah,

Well you're huge and your size leaves me shaking

Please don't crush me again

Oh, Noah

I've got to say, I really enjoyed helping provide answers to so many interesting local questions. If you or someone you know has some stumping queries about our lovely area, feel free to email them to me, Mr. Trailing Spouse, at trailingspouseben@yahoo.com.

Until next time, keep wondering!